Letting Go...

I often say, "Let Go, Let Love." Today I have to heed my own advice.
As I sit here to share a few thoughts and emotions I am reminded of my post, First Draft.
I wrote First Draft a little over seven months ago. Reading it today makes me smile and doesn't make the feeling I have subside.

Tomorrow I will be dropping my son off at daycare, first time ever.

*Deep, Deep Breathe...

I've been prolonging this and have been talking about it to folks and meditating on it and it's still not getting any easier.

I was corresponding with a friend via email, her youngest is 22. I explained my woes and this was ultimately her response: "Letting go is very hard even when they are big, so don't think it gets easier.  Keep in touch."  
Not really what I wanted to hear and I appreciate the message.

I'm typing this on my laptop but instead of sitting at my desk I have brought my laptop down to the play area where he is creating some kind of arts and crafts magic. He's making me smile cause he is attempting to stick his hands together with school glue.  I use to do that up until I was 8 or so. I'd pour glue all over my hands, put them together and then try to peel the glue off. It was tons of fun. I introduced glue last week when we made our first tree. We had to cut out the leaves and glue them onto the bark of the tree.  Just because he is starting school doesn't mean we won't still work on arts and crafts together.

My son going off to daycare is the first step on the next part of his journey. It's not easy and it's imperative. I sat in my car and took a deep breathe or ten before walking into the school to submit all the required paperwork and make the deposit.  The school seems nice, and I believe he will flourish. It's exactly what he needs.  I'm looking for work so he will have to spend more time in the care of others. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do in this adventure I call life.

I can't help the tears welling up in my eyes or the knot in my throat. I just sobbed a bit and he turned to me and said, "Mom, please don't get sick." What a blessing my little boy is. He is truly growing up right before my very eyes.

We have to go wash up his glue hands now.   Before I end I'd like to share a line from the very last email message in my inbox, a message of support: Congratulations on Max stepping onto the next piece of his journey!  You go Mom!  Breath deep!

NAMASTE!

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

Introducing Bentley

This past summer, I logged into one of my social networking accounts and there I saw this little face staring back at me.  

Look, look at that little face. 

How could I not want him?!? 

For a few months my son had been asking for a pet. 
I told him and his dad we would not get a dog until he was 10 years old. My son is three and a half.  


During the summer of 2012 we welcomed Bentley into our home.

I am by no means a, "Dog Person." By no means, yet one day Bentley landed in my purse and we went out for stroll. :)

Now Bentley has been with us for three months and a day and when I think to myself, "What on earth were you thinking?!!?" I just look at his little face, which is usually somewhere within grabbing distance of my feet. 

Bentley is a cool dog and for now an integral member of my family.

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

Growing Pains...LOVE

My three year old fell this past weekend. 

He cut open his chin and needed 30 stitches.

I was not there when he fell.

The phone rang, I answered it and the information I received seemed quite surreal. Yes, Surreal is the right word. I can't speak for all mothers but I would daresay the majority of us never want to hear the words, "Fall, Cut, Hospital, Stitches, Bleeding: YOUR CHILD," strung together in the same sentence.

I didn't really know what to do but I did realize that panic and tears would not get me to hold and comfort my son.

When I got to the hospital I found my son and he was yelling that he wanted to go home.  He was holding a yellow towel to his chin and it had some, not much blood on it, I figured it was a small cut.  On the phone, His dad said he needed two or three stitches...

Once our son was registered we were admitted and moved into center stage, the only issue was that my son's cries were the only performance.  There was some stage hands prancing around but no stage manager to be found. I was holding him and he was crying. 

Someone asked us to sit at the first bed we could walk to, so we did.  Our son was still crying in pain. He drank a bit of water and then sobbed himself to sleep.

The attending doctor approached us but I really wasn't paying attention.

"Are you an intern?"
"No, I'm the attending physician. Should I call a plastic surgeon?"

I investigated the cut, it was deep, very deep. It made me cringe.

Did I mention, I wasn't there when it happened. I should have been there, that was my thought then I decided to pray.

I prayed to thank God for my son's well being. I prayed to thank the Lord for a minor cut that just needed 30 stitches. I prayed to the universe in gratitude for our strength and our love.

The movie on the flat screen up on the wall perpendicular to our bed was showing "Armageddon." The beds began filling up slowly, grown ups in wheel chairs, a child with a fractured arm, and we were just waiting for Dr. Plastic Surgeon. 

The doctor arrived shortly after the call to check on his eta. He was very professional and quite succinct in his requirements.

"You can't hold him, he has to lie flat."

"Yes, I will stitch him up right here."

"His head needs to be on this side, you hold his head and I need you to hold down his shoulders and his arms."

Our little boy woke up again and was crying, "No, momma! NO!!!"
"Please momma, NO!"

It broke my heart but I had to focus and be strong.

I sang to him, 

...You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you...I thank GOD I'm alive...I love you BABY...There are no words left to speak...I love you baby and if it's quite alright I need you baby...

I have been singing him this song since he was in my belly.  It didn't calm him, but I pray it soothed him even if just a tiny bit. I was attempting to lessen the trauma, I hope it worked.

Dr. Plastic Surgeon took out a huge needle and shot the novacane right into the hole, he let out a scream, "MOMMA!!!! NO MOMMA!"  What could I do.

I kissed his hands and told him that it would be alright.

"It's alright baby, be strong."
"Momma is here and papa is here, we are here with you and you are a strong boy."

At home his sisters were baking cookies with stitches and decorating the house with get well balloons.

Our baby was fast asleep when we got home. We stayed up talking for a bit and when it was time for bed I didn't sleep a wink. I spent the night staring at his peaceful face. I spent every moment making sure he was breathing and making sure he was comfortable and that nothing came in contact with the thirty stitches that were holding together that painfully deep gash.  I went back and forth with, "What if I would have been there with him, I would have prevented this fall..."

Today, two months later, Max hardly even remembers the fall or the pain he felt. I've not been able to completely let it go, it's a work in progress.  Still I could be sitting a foot away from him and he is running and jumping and falling. I can't stop it, I can't change the course of his falling or soaring, I can only be here and there for him.

Every day I'm learning and growing in this role of motherhood. It's not easy by any means, many days it is quite challenging and every moment is amazing.  E V E R Y    S I N G L E    M O M E N T.

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

PART OF MY ROAD TO CALM

Thanks to so many folks, I was able to participate in a weekend of CALM. 

ROAD TO CALM

A weekend full of so much LOVE, INTROSPECTION, and PERMISSION.

I am extremely aware of what it takes to create and I am so grateful for all the tools I have developed and been introduced to in order to bring to light my higher self.

It's such a blessing to see and be seen.

In my mind's eye I see complete Harmony. 

In my mind's eye I see Connection & Love.

In my mind's eye I see Diversity.

In my mind's eye I see Acceptance & Joy.

In my mind's eye there is Nothing & Everything.

My heart, soul and mind all live

happily, In MY MIND'S EYE.

If you have a moment to look within take it.

If you have the time to see, truly see someone, do it.

Very often I have discussions with folks about PERFECTION. It makes me smile how uncomfortable many of us are with PERFECTION. I believe in a Source, I believe in a Greater Being. We are all a part of this Source, in all ways we are this Source. The Source is PERFECTION and we are made in this image.  I am not better than anyone, not in any way and no one is better than me. We are all unique, just like everyone else.

I leave with two thoughts, BREATHE DEEP and when you have a chance, if you are interested check out the Road to Calm website.

NAMASTE!

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

My Favorite of The Four Agreements: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Always Speak With & From Integrity
Sometimes I forget that Agreement...

I went to the laundromat today to wash one huge load of laundry...Max was asleep, I was watching the tv screen and speaking to my sister on the phone. A young girl sits on the chair diagonal to me and when the other person sat down they clenched my arm, inadvertently, with the chair. I took a deep breathe and continued to talk on the phone with my sister. The lady sighs quite audibly and very loud, as well as sarcastically, she says, "Excuse ME!" I say, "yes, these chairs are quite close together." I know what she was getting at but I was attempting to avoid any conversation or confrontation. Heck, I ignored her sitting and clenching my left arm with the chair, she should do the same and not mind that I shifted in my seat and her seat moved a bit.

She starts rambling and I tell her she needs to stop. My sister asks what's happening and all the while the lady is talking about how rude and disrespectful I am and who the "f" do I think I am and on and on. In response to my sister's question I say, "Nothing, I'm at the laundromat sitting down and then this fat ass comes and throws herself on the chair right behind me..." at this time her daughter tells me to stop disrespecting her mom. I say, sarcastically but half serious, "God bless you!"  The lady says, "F you and the person you are on the phone with!"
I tell my sister and she laughs so hard she snorts. My sister then says calm down, relax ignore her and thank goodness your machine will be fixed tomorrow cause you aren't built for laundromats. 

<The funny thing is I went to the laundromat on Saturday night to wash two small loads of Max's clothes, I spent about two hours there and I was able to read about 5 chapters of my book, "The Soul of Money," which I have been reading for a couple of months now and haven't really been able to finish. Prior to Saturday I had not been to a laundromat in about 4 years and I missed it. I use to love going to the laundromat, it was cathartic for me, like journaling or listening to music.>

I say bye to my sister so I can call my grandma and before I do I say I'm sorry to the lady and she says, "I don't accept your apology! Nope! Shut your ugly face."  Now I'm like arg, let me relax and call grandma. I speak to her for a few minutes and she usually always makes me laugh and gives me stuff to think about. I didn't tell her what had happened cause she would worry and there was nothing to worry about.

Once I finished talking to abuelita I turn around and calmly and authentically explain to the lady that I was wrong to call her out disrespectfully and that when she sat she had in fact hurt my arm but ignored it and I was sorry for real to her and to her daughter because it was wrong of me. The daughter said she accepted the apology and then the mom said fine whatever and the fact that my arm got clenched was not her fault but management.
I told her I could not take responsibility for management but my job was to take responsibility for myself and what I did was wrong.

She then said ok and thank you.

As I was folding my clothes I kept thinking about my righteous response and how my go to emotion is often anger out of fear. My righteousness took me out of integrity. I couldn't accept it. On my way out I again expressed my remorse and my respect for her as a human, woman and mother and we both apologized for having such an out of character reaction.

The thing is in my heart it was out of character and in the action of it it was out of character but in my mind it was status quo, actually the norm. That's scary to me and I just came to that awareness with this situation.  I smile and breathe deep and in my mind I want to scream. Not often but even once is once too much.

I must be more mindful and never react. 

Deep breathes and ALWAYS come from integrity.

I was just sharing this because I thought about it so much. I had an aha moment in the midst of my frustration and thank the Lord and the universe that I was able to express my remorse.  Words hurt as much as or sometimes even more than actions even if it is from a stranger.

I called the lady a fat ass in front of her daughter, heck I should never do that even if she is alone but in front of her daughter that is just rude and disrespectful. I became what she accused me of. I gave away my power in that moment for weakness and stupidity.  That was wrong. I was wrong and righteous all at the same time. Incredible.

My Aha moment was, I work hard EVERY day to not be righteous perhaps what need to turn my efforts to is to be in harmony, present and at peace.


What are your thoughts?


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

Love. Loss. Gratitude.

I've always told the people I love that my life is an open book, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't have to say it, if you know me you know this to be true. If we are connected in some way, be it in the same physical space, similar spiritual space or just by love, I will most likely share some sort of intimacy.  Intimacy by way of words or even greater, in silence.  

[Since I became a mom the openness has transitioned into a small and very intimate safe space.]

I'm very proud and grateful for the TRUE connections I've been fortunate to experience in my short 39 years.  Some connections have been so profound even in the face of simplicity, it's wonderful, they have truly transformed my life.

In one of my Red Tent circles I have found the support to always be powerful in my vulnerability. I have found the space to face my fears and expose my weaknesses without judgement, just unadulterated and compassionate LOVE.

I've realized in the past few months that my subconscious has taken it upon itself to protect me in all ways possible.  I have a sister friend who has served as not only my buddy but also my "memory keeper." She's held on to so many of my thoughts and experiences and I've easily put them away to rest.  I am so grateful for her in my life as she is greatly responsible for my emotional well being and growth.  

When Jay-Z sung about the miscarriage his wife, Beyonce, had, I really didn't know how to feel.  It wasn't until I spoke with a dear friend of mine and she shared the article she wrote about her experience that I came to terms with it. What I now believe caused the uncertainty was having had the same experience as a young woman. It's not a memory I had owned, my friend kept it for me for so many years. It's mine now. I shared it with my partner and I've shared it with my dearest sister circle. I now have to agree with, and thank, my dear sister friend, Tomika, when she extends her gratitude to Jay-Z for shining a public light on something so relevant, so common, so life & mind changing.  Something that, like Tomika says, "it's just not the sort of thing you bring up at dinner parties."

I wonder why it is that we live a society that makes something so natural and common to be something so dark that women are afraid to discuss with others.  It's not anyone's fault. It's neither bad, nor good, it's a sad experience.  When it happened to me I was too young to really encompass the reality of it. Now that I am a mother to such an amazing being I am grateful to The Lord and The Universe for keeping me in safe Grace and for allowing me experience motherhood even after not knowing and honoring my early experience.

FEEDBACK:

"There's a line in Jay-Z's beautiful new song "Glory," that he dedicated to his newborn daughter, Blue Ivy, that changed the way I look at him." "As you can imagine, it's just not the sort of thing you bring up at dinner parties."

Tomika Anderson via Huffingtonpost.com Regarding Loss & Gratitude

A FEW STATISTICS ON MISCARRIAGE:

About 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage

About.com On miscarriage-statistics

Spontaneous abortion (SAB), or miscarriage, is the term used for a pregnancy that ends on its own, within the first 20 weeks of gestation. 

American Pregnancy Association Info On Miscarriages


Sadly, miscarriages are a very common occurrence. Sources vary, but many estimate that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage; and some estimates are as high as 1 in 3. If you include loss that occurs before a positive pregnancy test, some estimate that 40% of all conceptions result in loss. 

Statistics On Miscarriages


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs

Conceive it, Believe it, Achieve it

In December of 2009 I was embarking on yet another life-changing transition, oh the joy!  One particular afternoon, I had had lunch with some very special ladies and on my way back to our office I decided to stop in Barnes & Noble near Washington Square Park, to pick up a new Agenda for the coming year.  As I was looking for what I needed I was drawn (as per the norm) to the "Self-Help" / "New Age" section, as I stepped into the aisle there was a book that practically fell off the shelf into my hands.

LIFE IS A VERB

I began to skim through the beautiful pages as I gingerly returned to the office. ;)

I could not wait to get in the train to start reading this gem.

I loved it so much I wanted to share it with all my friends. I recommended it to Erika, a colleague I knew would LOVE it as much as I did.  Erika asked me if I wanted to facilitate a Book Club using this book, I JUMPED at the chance, just as the book JUMPED into my hands. :)

I reached out to the author, Patti Digh with the message below:

Dear Patti,

Hello. I'm Julie Katheryne, mother of Maximillian J., lover of life and Jaggie, former After School Field Supervisor and current Programming and Events supervisor, daughter, sister, aunt and friend to many beautiful souls.  I was searching for some answers and solutions to precarious situations and lo and behold I found your book.  Life is a Verb is truly an inspiration to me.  I walked into a Barnes and Noble on November 10, 2009 and it just jumped off the shelf and into my hands.  I have read the book and made a grillion notes in the margins, I continue to read and be inspired by it.  Thank you for creating it.  I have shared my inspiration with the Senior Programming Manager of my sister company and now the president of the company is purchasing 15 to 20 books to share with my colleagues for a Book Club that will meet on Friday, February 26, 2009.  The companies are The Leadership Program and Leadership Learning Lab.  WE specialize in cultivating students' and educators' sense of empowerment and connectedness. Our mission statement is:  Leadership is a dynamic urban organization that enriches lives, emboldens confidence and expands options by building strong leaders in classrooms and communities.

We host Leadership Classrooms for our full-time staff (about 30 people) on Fridays and Life is a Verb Book Club is one of those classrooms this coming season.  It would be an honor to have you come share with us and or any feedback you can give us.

Again, thank you for creating this treasure. :)

Respectfully,

Julie

Imagine my excitement when I received this response from Patti Digh:

Dear Julie -

Oh how wonderful to get your message - many, many thanks for your very kind words about Life is a Verb - I'm glad it jumped off the shelf at you!

That's so great about your Book Club - Interestingly, my business partner and I are doing most of our work in education these days, after years of corporate engagements. I love your mission statement - how can I help?

Love,
Patti

I am so grateful to Patti for her creativity, openness and kindness.

We had a wonderful book club meeting and Patti Skyped in.  We didn't have the capability to have a large screen at the time but we worked with what we had and it was phenomenal.

I had a thought, I believed in it and a group of wonderful human beings made the possibility a reality.  Now it wasn't as I envisioned it in my mind but it was as wonderful as I knew it would be.

The world is full of possibilities, go out there and create!

Thank you. 

Namaste.

PS: Patti has so many wonderful books. She runs workshops for writers and is just so talented, down to earth and brilliant!

Check out her website: Patti Digh's Website: 37days.com

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

JeWeLs