Look It's Tito Puente!?!?!

For my 25th birthday celebration I had a small group of about 135 folks come join me at the CopaCabana on 57th Street. My dear friend, MioSoty was scheduled to perform along with Jerry Rivera and I am not sure who else. We had a huge guest list, sadly many folks didn't get in because with or without a guest list you were not going in if you were not at least 21 years old (That was one of the things I LOVED about the Copa, they had, not only a strict age requirement, they had a strict dress code as well). The entire experience was a riot.


I had friends from work, friends from college, friends from high school even. It was pretty cool. Everyone was scattered all around having a wonderful time.  They had the latin dance floor, which housed the main stage for performances and the upscale VIP section and also they had the variety room where they played reggea, hip hop, freestyle and everything else. It was a memorable party.

I had a small group sitting in the VIP section which included my mom, dad, and my Grandfather, to name a few. 

Yep, EVEN my grandfather came out to party with me on my 25th birthday.  This guy has been one of my greatest emotional cheerleaders. My whole life.  He's a rockstar himself.  One thing that always stands out when I remember that awesome celebration at the Copa was everyone wanting to know why I was in the VIP and why I was dancing with and spending so much time with Tito Puente. I can see where folks thought that but it just made me laugh. Still to this day when I think of it I look like the Chesire Cat.

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Namaste!

Can you see me?

I am of the school of thought that everyone just wants to be seen, heard, and loved.  This isn't an absolute truth but goodness it really could be.  I can't speak for everyone but I can speak for me and the reality is many times I just want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to be acknowledged.  (It may show up as just wanting attention but it's a little bit more than that).

I do my best to always acknowledge others, it's so rewarding for me when I can SEE you, when I can HEAR you, and most definitely when I can LOVE you!  I'm so utterly grateful for the times I have exchanged being seen and being heard.

During the final Oprah Winfrey Show she shared her thoughts on this:
Oprah Talks about Validation I agree with her wholeheartedly. I even get a bit emotional when I see this particular clip.

What are your thoughts?
How about sharing?

I shared a very personal experience yesterday on my blog and it has begun an entire new layer of growth and healing. I've noticed the more personal and the challenging the greater the audience. Why is that?

I see you.
I respect you.
I send you love and light.

Namaste.

LOVE is NOT abuse...

I was searching for Ted Talks on LOVE and I came upon this talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Why domestic violence victims don't leave: Crazy Love.
The talk was a very emotional one for me to watch, see I was victim and it still hurts to think about it. 

When I got divorced I immediately sought healing by meeting with a therapist on a weekly basis.  The therapy process has been instrumental to my growth and well being.  Last year I shared Love. Loss. Gratitude. an entry about Vulnerability, Community, and Miscarriages. 
Part of my share was realizing how incredibly fascinating us humans are, I said, "I've realized in the past few months that my subconscious has taken it upon itself to protect me in all ways possible." 

Now I must clarify, my ex-husband was in no way physically abusive to me, ever!  
Our relationship was mostly mutually respectful up until the last year but that's another post.  

Let me go back for a moment. I have friend who is an artist, he writes songs, plays the guitar and sings. When I was a teenager I read one of the songs he wrote, it truly resonated with me.  The name of the song is, "Crazy Love!"  Could you believe it? 

Crazy Love 
by Lawrence Block

Shortness of breath, heart beating fast
My body's so tense, how long will it last?
Voices are low, but the message is clear
If I close my eyes tight, maybe I'll disappear

Find a shadow, a dark deep shadow
To hide -- Crazy Love
And keep a secret to a soft soft whisper 
To guide -- Crazy Love

And don't give much when it's time for the giving
Collect --Crazy Love
And push away, cause you know it's ok
When you make Crazy Love

Refrain:
Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

Mixed emotions concoct just the potion
To taste -- Crazy Love
Hate and fear is the spice to keep near
When you chase -- Crazy Love

And emptiness fulfills all your needs
When you find Crazy Love
And you just can't let go, cause there's nothing 
To show -- for that lazy, Crazy Love

Refrain:

Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

Crazy Love, Crazy Love
Love and Crazy they don't mix
It's addictive, it's a fix

Crazy Love, Crazy Love
You can take it for a ride
Destination, hurt inside

Well it happened like this
There isn't much I can say
I was chilling, that's cool
And she was coming my way

First she wanted ah ha
Then she wanted affection
It was fly... wha'd you say?
I say we made a connection

But it's down now...why's that?
Cause we left it behind
What's that girl doing now?
She won't get out of my mind
___________

Oh...he's got to know
I can't live with that man
Yet I can't let him go

Why...haven't I learned
When the flame gets too hot
You're just bound to get burned

I...Should have known from the start 
When you're Crazy in Love
You get broken in heart


Refrain:
Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

The song still holds a special place in my heart but it's different for me now cause it highlights to me how I've grown, how I have healed and how now I just am and have REAL TRUE LOVE.  

In my late teenage years I read that song and it made me think of the relationship I was in. I knew the entire time that it was crazy.  When I first became involved with this individual I had no idea the rollercoaster I was embarking on.  Leslie Morgan Steiner was a grown women when she embarked on her rollercoaster and also didn't see it coming.

This man was not my first love. My first love was quite innocent and quite pure. My first love never abused me or disrespected me or us.  I didn't even have to stand up and not allow it, it just never happened. It never occurred to him.  

Today I will say I was blindly in love with this individual.  I endured lots of physical, psychological and verbal abuse but for some reason I thought that because I was strong I could take it.  Forest Gump would say, "Stupid is as Stupid Does." I was stupid is what I thought to myself for so long. I didn't understand I had low self esteem. I was not aware of the fact that I didn't believe in my self importance.  I was afraid.  I still don't know why I was so full of fear and self loathing. This man would say he couldn't trust me, he'd say I was being unfaithful but for me the sun and the moon rose in his arms.  I was enthralled by his maturity and hooked by our chemistry.  I could think of an anthology of songs that could serve as theme music to all the years we were together.  

Gloria Trevi was known as the Latin Madonna and most of her songs embodied the essence of our relationship.  If you are familiar with her music from the early '90's then you may have a good polaroid of what our relationship was like.

At 18 I thought I was grown and was very defiant when my family tried to stop me from being involved with this person.  My friends threatened to defriend me and not by taking me off their internet social networking sites but by actually not speaking with me.  They knew, they were privy to all the abuse and they didn't understand why I stayed.  I wasn't afraid to leave him I was afraid to not be with him.  I was in love. What I know NOW is LOVE is kind. Love is nurturing. Love is NOT abuse.

I wish I could tell you that once I was out of my teen years I stopped seeing him but that would be a lie.  There was a moment in time when I woke up in a hospital, I was bruised and battered.  The NYPD drove me home from the hospital one morning and as we pulled up to my home I managed to catch a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror.  I cried. I cried so hard. I could not believe my eyes, I did not recognize myself.  I thought I looked like Hedda Nussbaum.  I was scared my family would see me and would go ballistic. I was afraid of what was to come.  

I went to see a Victim's Services Counselor for a session or two and the very first time I walked into the office I saw a poster with a casket and a beautiful flower arrangement on it. The caption read: He beat her 63 times but only sent her flowers once.  I still get chills when I think of it.  You'd think that would have scared me straight but the first thing I told the counselor was, "I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, we fight, he hits me sometimes and I hit him back to defend myself but he's never done anything like this. He loves me, why would he do this, I have to know what I did.  What did I do to upset him so badly?!?" Her response was something along the lines of that being the exact response of a battered woman.  She arranged for us to come to counselling together but we didn't.  I just wanted to put the horrible event to rest and go ahead with my life, with or without him but I just wanted to move on.  I had hoped with but didn't know what he was thinking.  The District Attorney saw to it: The People Vs. Julie's Abuser. We went to court a few times and he berated me. He called me names and all sorts of heinous things. I didn't care, I just wanted him to not be mad. I wanted him to come say he was sorry so we could move on. He didn't. Months passed and I called him crying. (It hurts my soul to think of this time.  I have worked on healing that lost little lady who had no self respect and gave her power away.)

One day he answered my call and we saw one another. We moved past it, it's what I believed, I was happy again, everything was right in the world. A few weeks later we had an argument and I began to tremble, I screamed as I braced myself, I said, go ahead, hit me. His response was I'd sooner hug you than ever hit you again.  I cried and we hugged. I thanked God, the abuse was over! But no he began to play all sorts of mind games. I will spare you all the details and spare myself that walk down memory lane as I have moved so passed that time that I don't care to drudge that up again.  

He never respected me but that doesn't matter because I didn't respect myself.  I didn't know what I was worth.  I lost myself in the Crazy Love. What I thought was Love.  I wish I knew of Maya Angelou's teachings back then, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  I don't blame him for taking advantage of me. I forgave him, that's the reason I could share my story now.  I forgave him cause I know now, it had nothing to do with me.  I forgave him cause I couldn't hold on to the pain, the deceit, the hurt, the humiliation.  

When I realized I was a child of God and I deserved love, I let go and let God.
I was blessed to be able to move into that  space of healing.  I was fortunate to wake up however many years later.  I don't know that I would change that part of my life, I'd like to think if I knew better I would do it differently.  I would trust me more. I would love me first.  I think. I can't tell you for sure.  Hindsight is 20/20 but you would have had to have had the experience to be privy to the hindsight.

This year I watched an award show and saw that Rhiana was again dating Chris Brown. I could not watch, it hurt my heart. Their conflict was quite public. I don't doubt they think what they are experiencing is love, it may be the only way they know how to love, I don't know, I can't very well say.  What I do KNOW FOR SURE is Love is kind. Love is strong. Love is patient.

Love doesn't hurt.  
Love does not hurt. 
You may feel pain from loosing a loved one, not the same as Crazy Love that hurts.

Breaking up to make up, that's not healthy.

We all have to live our own story, this is true but please make sure to have compassion for yourself and respect yourself and the person you love.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.  There are many programs that can help.

If you love someone and are being abused or are abusing them please seek help.

PLEASE.

BeLove.
Breathe, LOve.
Breathe LOVE.
Love, Breathe.

Take it from me, Love is amazing. 

Love is the MAX!
LOVE is DYNAMITE!

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Thank you for reading and sharing.

Namaste!

Mi Madre

Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's day to The Woman I call Madre, Mom, Mami, Mother, mommy, MAH!!!

40 years ago I made her a mom because SHE GAVE ME LIFE! 

I haven't always respected my mom the way she deserves but I have always loved her more than she will ever conceive.  I love her for the mother she is and also celebrate her for the person she is. 

My mom is true heart. Her name might as well be mom because she doesn't know how to do anything else.

My mom and dad were told I was not going to able to be delivered, either mom or me were going to go and my mom refused to accept that. She protected me and gave me life. She made sure that I came into this world and to this day she is my number one cheerleader. Even when she doesn't agree with my decisions or even if she doesn't want to let go she opens up and becomes part of the wind beneath my wings.


I've not done too much in this life of mine that is amazing and phenomenal, other than birth my little joy, Maximillian J, but my mom makes me feel like a Nobel Prize winner. My mom loves me so much, she celebrates me and is so proud of me. My mom adores all of her kids and treats us the same in terms of respect and love. She taught me how to be open and loving even though she is quite conservative with who she is open with or who she shows her love to.

My mom is a gift from God, she is a Goddess and a saint.
Every day of my life (and moreso once I became a mom) I thank my source for my Mom.


Click On The Link Below For Un Poema, en Espanol, para mi Madre.:
Mi Madre Part I

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Namaste!

I Am Many Years!

     While reading the May 2013 Oprah, I came upon an article called, Think Like a Guy, an excerpt from Gabrielle Reece's memoir, My Foot is Too Big for the Glass Slipper.  I found the entire piece to be priceless, my most favorite part was the very last paragraph that read:  "Not long ago I was at a party with a friend and I noticed a tall young woman in her early 20's slouch into the room, her arms folded across her chest.  She was very pretty, but everything about her body language conveyed self-consciousness bordering on self-loathing. "Aren't you glad you're not that young anymore?" I said to my friend, and we both laughed with genuine relief.  Being able to walk into a room in full possession of yourself, free from the tortuous insecurity that hobbles so many of us when we're young, to be free to own the grace and beauty only you possess, is the great gift of getting older."

     That was awesome!  

     I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and I can authentically say my mindfulness and spirit has never been more vibrant or in tact.  I've been looking forward to growing wiser and more grounded.  I thoroughly enjoyed life.  In it's current entirety my life has been full of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.  Hindsight highlights this balance for me.

     Whenever I thought about my twenties I would only see fun, passion, laughter, many tears, lots of loving, and lots of bumps and bruises.  The decade seemed full of adventure and joy.  It wasn't until a little bit prior to my 40th I conjured up several of my journals to "reminisce, learn about, explore and heal" my younger self and thank Goodness I did.  I was able to see that between 21 and 31 I subconsciously was engaged in a whole lot of "GROWING UP!"  It's nice, for me, to look back and appreciate the me I was and to have compassion for my younger self.  It's exciting to know what I was capable of and what I did in fact accomplish.  

     This moment isn't the first time I've sat down to contemplate age...Thoughts on reaching 40, being 40, just 40 also check out 30: The Age of Credibility

     This week while driving home from picking up my 11 year old at school we were talking about age and the relevance of time.  I've always thought being 12 was my most favorite of my adolescent years.  In retrospect it seems like an easy time of playing dress up and walking to school with my siblings and my mom, it was still okay to play with dolls and yet I could put on a dress and feel like I was 16 and grown. 12 was easy, in my mind, right now I don't think it was very easy at the time.  Reading my old journals I can see how riddled with angst I was, how much of a hurry I was in to be older, my desire to run and hide and my great desire to be seen.  Wow, managing those emotions takes lots of tools and lots of LOVE.  One of my favorite adages is, "Youth is wasted on the Young." Not because I like that it's accurate but because it reminds me to stay youthful and to help my little ones revel in their youthfulness (as much as I can).  My little one will be 12 this year and I pray she finds peace and harmony with her inner self.   I hope every year is her favorite year and that youth isn't wasted on her.

    In the past, recent years even, I have felt capable yet not experienced enough to be grounded.  Fear was something that paralyzed me and didn't propel me in anyway.  I've had the fortune to be blessed with several strong and loving role models.  My support groups are vast and so immensely present and beautiful and with them I have learned to move forward even with and especially if fear is present.  This moving is called Courage.

    Prior to my fortieth I had the fortune to work with a life coach who truly SAW ME and HEARD ME and RESPONDED to me Holistically and Lovingly.  The week before my 40th she asked if I had any fear and I honestly didn't feel fear in any way.  This was new to me. There was no fear only excitement and the innate knowledge of POSSIBILITIES.  I explained to her that my twenties and thirties were confirmation of the promise of great prospects for my current NOW.  She went on to explain how in some cultures they don't even keep track after the formative years. The response about age is, "You are Many Years!"  That struck a cord and I decided at that moment to respect the decades of life experience I have been blessed with and to also let go of the hindrance of keeping track of years/ages.

     I AM MANY YEARS! Today, I celebrate now, open my arms wide to the universe, laugh, cry, sing, breathe and dance with my 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows!

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Namaste!

My Abuelita Says...

Usually, I call my Abuelita every day.  We chat for a while, she always makes me laugh.

I was named after her, I believe I have her strength, as well as, her righteousness.  This entry is neither about righteousness, nor strength, it's about LOVE.

I call my Abuelita even when I don't have news to share because just hearing her voice makes my heart happy. The joy she gets out being thought of and acknowledged that's priceless to me.  Some days I'm too busy running around doing nothing or busy doing many things and I neglect to call her so she calls me the very next day.  If you call my cell phone my outgoing message is in English first then in Spanish. The Spanish version is for my Abuelita. 

I'm not her only grandchild yet she makes me feel like I am. 

I know the reverence and love she has for all her other grandchildren; she has Ten (10) Grandchildren (I'm number three), Eight 8 Great Grandchildren (one on the way) and One Great, Great Grand-daughter.  Her most favorite is her first Grand Daughter, I know this for sure but she will never admit it. She says she has no favorites and that we are all the same. That's what parents say all the time, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, they all say all of the children are the same but that is not accurate. The only way we are all the same is in our uniqueness.


My Abuelita has very strong opinions about things and very deep life experiences. I relish all the knowledge she has bestowed upon me and am so grateful to the universe that we are able to still communicate and be in each other's lives.  

When I was in my twenties my relationship status did not matter to Abuelita, she would just beg me to marry so I can have a child. She said she didn't want to die without meeting a child of mine. It didn't matter that I had no desire to be a mom at that point in my life. I wanted to wait until I was in my early thirties to have a child (and I did, well my late thirties.  For me it was the appropriate thing to do. It's what I wanted for so many reasons).  I thank God every day my son was able to meet my Abuelita and spend some time with her. Prior to his second birthday we traveled to see her quite often (children two and under travel for free if they sit on your lap during the course of the flight).


Recently we celebrated her 80th birthday (yes, I know, my Abuelita is very young) and my son was there. My two year old celebrated his great grandmother's 80th birthday with her alongside his grandmother of 60 and his mom of 38.  What a gift.

Abuelita loves to talk about the soap operas she watches and about the beautiful weather. I love to talk about eating healthy food and turning the tv off and having wonderful heart to heart conversations. I wish we lived a car ride away, we would both benefit from the time together for now I thank God I can pick up my phone or an iPod and just see and talk to Abuelita on the computer.  

My Abuelita says I should have another child. She says I should cook dinner every day and I should always ask my partner for permission to go out with my friends.  My Abuelita says when I am older I will know what it means to be a wife. My Abuelita says she hopes to die before she can't take care of herself. My Abuelita says she is proud of all the education I have gotten. My Abuelita says I should keep traveling the way I have because it helps her to feel successful. My Abuelita says I am her little girl and that no matter how old I am I always will be her little baby girl.  My Abuelita says, "Come over and have a cup of coffee with me!" You know what I say, I say, "Si Abuelita! Te quiero mucho, ya voy Abuelita, ya voy!"

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Namaste!

Sometimes We Just Can't Ask For More Attention

It's 2:12 am on Saturday morning and I just finished watching the 1988 American Comedy and Drama/Chick Flick/Tear Jerker, Beaches.  (A Quick Synopsis on Wikipedia, in case you've never seen the film. But in that cause just watch it!)

What a film! 

I have been experiencing a bit of sensitivity regarding relationships.  
When I speak of relationships I mean all kinds. I am talking about my relationship with my mom, my relationship with social networking, my relationship with my new friends, my relationship with my four year old, my relationship with my 11 year old, my relationship with my 27 year old, my relationship with my younger sister, my relationship with my older sisters, my relationships with my brothers, my relationship with my aunt, my relationship with my grandmother, my relationship with my dog, my relationship with my neighbor, my relationship with former colleagues, my relationship with my clients, my relationship with my oldest friend of 31 years, my relationship with my newest friend of three years, my relationship with my cousin, my relationship with my uncle, my relationship with my prospective employers, my relationship with my former employers, my relationship with my mailman, my relationship with my creditors, my relationship with my old friends, my relationship with money, my relationship with my partner and mostly my relationship with myself and the world at large.  There are times I feel I don't get enough of the attention or even close to what I give to all of these Connections. All of these relationships are integral to my life. I don't know, at this point, if they all should be.  

With all these thoughts and emotions in mind a scene (a quite poignant scene) came to mind from the movie, Beaches.

Here is the scene: (funny thing is I wrote it out completely so I could transcribe it and then lost it so I decided to do a search and viola, I found it; From IMDB.COM...the internet is such a gift!)

CC Bloom is Bette Midler's Character and Leona Bloom is Bette Midler's Character's Mother.

Leona Bloom: [CC is at the beach, telling her mother that she's left John] What do you mean, you left him? What happened? After only three years, you left him? Was it another woman?

CC Bloom: [rolls eyes] It's not a soap opera, Leona. Everything with you is a soap opera.

Leona Bloom: Tell me, honey. Go ahead. Get it off your chest.

CC Bloom: Something just died between us, that's all. He used to care what happened to me. But he stopped paying attention to me.

Leona Bloom: [Leona shakes her head and starts to chuckle]

CC Bloom: What's so funny?

Leona Bloom: [still chuckling slightly] Never mind.

CC Bloom: Leona, what's so funny?

[Leona's laughter continues]

CC Bloom: Why are you laughing? Tell me why you're laughing! MA!

Leona Bloom: [stops laughing] WHAT?

CC Bloom: Tell me!

Leona Bloom: All right, I'm gonna tell you. You wanna know, I'm gonna tell ya. Why do you think I'm living down here in Florida, huh?

CC Bloom: [throwing up hands] I give up. You like the sun.

Leona Bloom: I don't give a shit about the sun! I'm here because it's peaceful, that's why! You always wanted too much attention! You wanted so much attention from everybody all the time, that you wore people out! You wore me out, you wore your father out, may he rest in peace, by the time you were 15 years old!

[CC looks down... Leona takes her hand]

Leona Bloom: I love you, CC.

CC Bloom: [whimpering] No you don't.

Leona Bloom: Oh yes, I do. I love you very much. But I just... I just can't pay any more attention to you. You know what I mean? I want to... but I just can't do it. And if I were you, I wouldn't leave anybody for not paying attention to me. Because sooner or later you're gonna have to leave everybody. You understand me?

When I first saw this film at the age of 21 I cried, I cried so much for the losses, for the betrayal, I cried a whole lot. Every time I flipped the channel on television and it was on I would stop and watch it.  Today was the first time in several years that I watched it from beginning to end and I must tell you I cried a whole lot less but for such different reasons.
At 21 I was concerned about the little girl at the end of the film but more-so I was deeply touched by the losses of the relationships.  

From the time I first watched the movie until now every single time I have a conversation with someone about Attention, wanting it, giving it or anything having to do with it I always hear this conversation in my head.  This particular dialogue in the film was always intense for me but it seemed funny at 21.  It seemed like the mom was just being mean to her daughter but trying to be coy at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it. Now after almost two decades it seems extremely intense and it has provoked deep thought and stillness.

'DON'T LEAVE ANYONE FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ME...SOONER OR LATER YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE EVERYBODY.'  One thing that truly struck a cord for me this last time is that this is said by a mother to her daughter. This is the first time in my life that I have watched this movie and I am a mother.  The times prior to this time I was only a daughter, I couldn't even fathom hearing that from my mom much less say it to my child.

Are you a parent who pays too much or too little attention? How much is too much attention? Do you give the amount of attention that feels right or no attention because of the fear of being seen?  Or do you pay too much attention because you don't want to look inward?

If you haven't seen the movie Beaches and you want to, you should!
Bette Midler's Movie: Beaches 1988

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Namaste!