My dear and eldest sister 🌻passed away in 2019 it was also our dad's 79th birthday. I still find it challenging to really grasp the fact that she has died. I know she has transitioned, I know cause when I want to call her on the phone, I can't but I have not really been able to accept the fact that she is dead. I'm not in denial, but I just don't want to engage in the grief.
Truth be told, she's alive in my heart and in my thoughts. I can feel her love surrounding me but I just can't hear her voice, can't pick up the tablet to video chat with her at all hours of the evening, physically, she is gone. My sister and I (honestly she was like this with all her loved ones) could chat for hours and hours. For the last several years, she lived in Florida and she made it her business to be present for all the moments in my life that made a difference. It didn't matter if it was a challenging time or a celebration, she was there.
The very last time I physically hugged my sister was Mother's Day weekend of 2019. My sister and brother in love took the long and cumbersome drive from Orlando to Queens, NY to be with our mom and us, but mostly our mom. If I am 100% honest with myself and with you, I will say I felt like it would be the last time I would physically be in her presence. I had this foreboding sensation, I don't know if I ever truly acknowledged it till this very moment... She wasn't feeling well and she still made the trip. It was a big deal to her to be with us and I was so grateful to be able to hug her.
Recently, I had a conversation with a dear friend who expressed the pain she felt when her grandmother passed, 💔 I was moved and struck by her sharing that ultimately she knew her grandmother wasn't supposed to physically be with her for very long, she was her grandma after all. But my sister, my sister was 58 years young. SHE WAS MY SISTER! Siblings and babies, they are supposed to live forever, or at least a very long time.
My sister, she was life. She was full of joy and gratitude. Her laughter was infectious. We all just loved to be with her or around her. That's just who she was. Even though she suffered for many years with a disease, she was strong and graceful, she never complained of victimized herself. Mav was strong like a superhero, gentle like an angel, and all-around fierce just like her own self!
We were supposed to grow old together. WE were supposed to be little old ladies just laughing it up, we use to laugh so much. 😊We didn't grow up in the same house but our hearts were united. Our dad made us siblings and love and life made us friends.
Let me tell you about my sister, she lived the way she wanted to live and she loved with intensity. We often talked about growing old and just enjoying life but also about not wanting to be away from our loved ones. Ever meet a person who you just feel seen by? Have you ever been truly and unconditionally loved by someone who had no expectations but always only saw the very best in you??? That was my sister. Damnit, she adored me like no one else. I think the only other person who looks at me the way my sister use to look at me is my son. ❤
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| Mav always knew how to show it. |
When my youngest brother called to tell me our sister had passed away all I could say was, "NO!" I didn't break down then and there cause first, my 10-year-old was standing beside me and asking me what was wrong, and second, I had to call a few of our loved ones to share the heartbreaking news. I had to keep my composure. I've kept my composure for over a year. There are moments I break down and cry but mostly I smile and remember all the love and joy she was in my life. I don't know if I can handle the grief, most especially after the immense challenges, tragedies, and unexpected hardships of 2020.
The last time I hugged my sister she gifted me with a beautiful charm for my pandora bracelet, I don't wear it on my bracelet, I wear it on my necklace, so it's close to my heart. The charm reads, "To the Moon and Back..." When I see the moon shining even when the sun is out, I know my sister is always with me. When I look up to the sky and see the stars surrounding the moon, I feel my sister surrounding me. It doesn't happen all the time but it happens quite often. When a cardinal joins me in my backyard, I know it's my sister just checking in on us.
I try to think of death as just a part of life, like walking into another room or arriving at another level. My perspective is, we are all souls having a human experience. Our hearts are intertwined and our souls will forever be connected, also I was extremely blessed to have Mav as my big sister. To be loved by my sister, how I was loved, is Grace.
To the moon and back...
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Love exists and Life is a miracle, treat it all as such.
BeLove...
In possibility,
Organic JeWeLs
