Thursday, October 25, 2012

It takes a village

While sitting at my dining room table about to bite into my scrumptious chicken lasange I heard very passionate dialogue taking place at my kitchen table.  I took a few bites of my delicious meal and listened intently for a moment. Now I don't tend to eavesdrop often, okay, that's not completely true, if your conversation is within earshot from me and/or I'm interested in the topic or the players of the discussion then I will most probably take a listen.

Truth be told the conversation was riveting for me on so many levels.  Dialogue, sisterhood (brotherhood 
too ;) community, discussions, passion, education, parenthood, and love are some things that inspire and motivate me greatly.  I daresay they are integral values and part of the foundation that makes up the person I am.

I put my plate aside momentarily and made my way over to the kitchen table.  I politely interjected, "Hi. Sorry to barge into this discussion but I've been quietly listening from over there *coy-fully smiling and pointing to my empty seat at the dinner table* and I have a perspective I'd like to share."  The two lovely ladies smiled and graciously acquiesced.  One of the ladies immediately asked me if I believed in homeschooling. I can't remember her exact question but I had to interrupt her as my response wasn't that simple (is it ever?!?).

The debate:  Homeschooling vs. Public or Private School Education.

Both ladies were so passionate about their stance and so respectful of one another that I was not clear on which one stood where, which one believed what.  I shared my experience, perspective and part of my opinion.

I was certain I didn't want to be a mother until I was about 33 or 34 (I was  late in that regard only by two years, my son was born when I was 36).  I have a three and a half year old son who will be starting daycare this week.  For many years I told myself I would homeschool.  I thought it was the appropriate thing for me although I had never met anyone who homeschooled and don't really remember how I became exposed to it.  From the age of 17 to about the age of 30 I told myself I would be a Home Schooling Mom. 

For me, there was a problem, a "disconnect."  The "disconnect" has only recently become apparent to me.  I realized I NEVER consciously wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be a career mom. I wanted to have the best of all worlds, this is what I told myself.  Maybe because both my mom and grandmother were stay at home moms I organically, without thought or effort found it to be the way to go. I don't know for sure, I couldn't really say.  What I can tell you is that these aren't conversations I ever had with anyone but myself.  See, that is reason number one that I was so thrilled to hear this conversation taking place between two twenty-something year old career women.   The fact that they were talking about it just says they are truly thinking about it. This is something very important to consider if you know you want to be a parent.  Having the discussion with a variety of folk brings you different perspectives and helps to clarify your authentic needs and desires.  And once you become a parent a lot of what you originally thought remains that, just a thought.

Now thanks to the "Magic" of all the social networks available to me, I have been able to connect with a couple of ladies from my past who have homeschooled their children and have done an amazing job of it.  When my son was a few months old I spoke to one of the ladies and mentioned I thought about homeschooling.  I told her I wasn't going to be able to do it for numerous reasons and she actually broke down many possibilities and for a brief moment I was back to thinking I may just homeschool.  Homeschooling has so many benefits for all the parties involved and it leaves some stuff to be desired and perhaps in my next life I will be prepared to be an extremely effective home schooling mom.

Ultimately the choice is that of the parents. Ultimately there is no right or wrong there is only what exists.  The ladies both seemed to be quite open to dialogue and hearing other peoples' experiences and perspectives.  All in all the only reality for me is, "It takes a village." Homeschool, Schooling outside the home in a private school, in a public school, we need to be clear that now matter what each parent decides, It always takes a village. Oh and that chicken lasagne, oh boy, it really hit the spot!


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Road Continues...


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,


I am Fine. Everything is Fine.

After leaving my precious one at daycare and talking to his dad and my best friend for moral support I took a ride to CVS to pick up a couple of the things on his supply list. (Do you a believe it, a supply list in daycare;)

I picked up my Ghirardelli chocolate, the wipes, and an Iron Man Repulsor. While I was waiting in line to pay I saw a toddler in a shopping cart with his mom. He was such a little cutie, he had no socks on. I asked the mom if he was her only and she said she had another boy at school. She asked if I had any and I told her I just dropped my little boy off at school and that's why I look like this. (All teary-eyed and red nosed) She sympathized with me. She was so kind. So generous with her words and spirit. She shared how sad she felt when took her first little boy to school and thanked God she had her littlest one with her now.

We talked for a bit, walked out of the store together. 
She kind of shared the sentiment like my friend had emailed "Letting go is very hard even when they are big, so don't think it gets easier. Keep in touch."

We shared some short stories about being a mother.  Her kindness and conversation helped me ease through the moment. I gave her my card as I always love to connect with folks, especially when we can relate to one another.  

Thank you, my loves for the wonderful support and thoughtful sentiments you've been sharing with me. 

I am not alone. 
I am fine.
Everything is fine.


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,


Next Steps...

I did it. I dropped him off and I can't stop crying.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW he is fine. I KNOW this is the process. I KNOW everything is as it should be and still I have a longing and melancholy happening...

We both went to drop him off. We even stayed with him for a while in the play yard.
The kids were coming over and asking if he wanted to play with them.

His father left.

He said, "Mom, you can't leave too. You have to stay with me."

I said, "Honey, I'm only staying for a little while but I have to go soon. Remember, Grown Ups Come Back."

He said, "No, no mom, you don't grown ups don't come back."

My response, "Remember this weekend when you went early in the morning with Thee Thee Karina and you went to Evan's Basketball game, you went to the mall, you talked to Aaron, Remember how much fun you had and then in the evening I came back to get you. You live in my heart, you know that, I am always coming back!"

He just shook his head, looked up at me and said, "Mommy, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, PLEASE don't go. I don't want to stay here without you, pretty pleeeeeease with sugar on top, mommy..."

Then his teacher walked out into the play yard and asked me to come inside with her. I told him I'd be right back he was not happy about that and he stood by the door the entire time waiting for me to come back.

While he was sitting with his dad in the play area there were several kids coming to ask him to play and he politely said no.  Mason and Geovanni and I forget the names of the rest of the children.  I came back and the teacher said, "Max your mommy is leaving in two minutes." I started to get very anxious and had to coach my own self to take deep breathes.  

"Max honey, I have to go."

"No, mommy."

"It's okay Max. You are fine and I will pick you up later. Whatever you need you can ask the teacher. She will help you."


"Give me kiss, Mommy loves you. I love you very much!"

I hugged him, he dismissively kissed me and the teacher took his hand.

I stepped away with tears in my eyes and a small smile on my face as all the children came over to meet the "new boy, Max."

By the time I left the area there were 16 kids running around.  Three adults and one of them was the teacher who was making the introductions.

I walked to my car with a heavy heart. I know he will flourish in this environment, I know and he is my little baby. I've been fortunate enough to never have had the need to leave him with a stranger.

I called my best friend, she has two boys, one 17 and the other 8. She totally got what I was feeling and talked me off the ledge. Okay, so I wasn't on a ledge but I was feeling so so sad. 

I left my baby. 
I felt guilty. 
I felt excitement. 
But most of all I felt fear. 
The fear, the trepidation of the unknown for him and for me.  

** I dropped him off an hour and a half ago and I just called the school to check up on him.

"Hi, this is Maximillian's mom, I'm just calling to check up on him, see how he is doing (SOB.Sob.Sob)"

"HI! He's perfect! He's totally fine. WE just finished some art and now I'm about to give them so work to do. He is totally fine."

"Okay, thanks so much. See you later."

So you see Max is fine, having fun and I'm sitting at my laptop crying like a baby. 
It's like I'm not there to help him if he falls but we all know from Growing Pains...Love that I don't have to physically be there if he falls. I am with him all the time and he is with me in my heart.

I think my sadness comes from thinking that I'm the only person who knows how to keep him safe. We live in a world that is so full of so much that you just never know what's going to happen. You just never know.  I don't know and this little precious spirit, my little boy, he just means so much to me that I feel the need to protect him. I feel the need to be there for him always.  

I just pray that I am doing the right job as a parent. I pray that my coaching, my guidance and my love will help him to be a strong, confident, empathetic, loving, kind, intelligent, resilient, courageous, creative, healthy and fun individual. A man who is full of integrity, joy, peace and harmony. A strong beautiful human being.

I'm off to find a Painter's Smock for Mr. Max for the new adventures he will create.
I need to take deep breathes, wash my face and be ready for that enormous tight hug I will get in a few hours.


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,


Monday, October 22, 2012

Letting Go...

I often say, "Let Go, Let Love." Today I have to heed my own advice.
As I sit here to share a few thoughts and emotions I am reminded of my post, First Draft.
I wrote First Draft a little over seven months ago. Reading it today makes me smile and doesn't make the feeling I have subside.

Tomorrow I will be dropping my son off at daycare, first time ever.

*Deep, Deep Breathe...

I've been prolonging this and have been talking about it to folks and meditating on it and it's still not getting any easier.

I was corresponding with a friend via email, her youngest is 22. I explained my woes and this was ultimately her response: "Letting go is very hard even when they are big, so don't think it gets easier.  Keep in touch."  
Not really what I wanted to hear and I appreciate the message.

I'm typing this on my laptop but instead of sitting at my desk I have brought my laptop down to the play area where he is creating some kind of arts and crafts magic. He's making me smile cause he is attempting to stick his hands together with school glue.  I use to do that up until I was 8 or so. I'd pour glue all over my hands, put them together and then try to peel the glue off. It was tons of fun. I introduced glue last week when we made our first tree. We had to cut out the leaves and glue them onto the bark of the tree.  Just because he is starting school doesn't mean we won't still work on arts and crafts together.

My son going off to daycare is the first step on the next part of his journey. It's not easy and it's imperative. I sat in my car and took a deep breathe or ten before walking into the school to submit all the required paperwork and make the deposit.  The school seems nice, and I believe he will flourish. It's exactly what he needs.  I'm looking for work so he will have to spend more time in the care of others. It's probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do in this adventure I call life.

I can't help the tears welling up in my eyes or the knot in my throat. I just sobbed a bit and he turned to me and said, "Mom, please don't get sick." What a blessing my little boy is. He is truly growing up right before my very eyes.

We have to go wash up his glue hands now.   Before I end I'd like to share a line from the very last email message in my inbox, a message of support: Congratulations on Max stepping onto the next piece of his journey!  You go Mom!  Breath deep!


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

Friday, October 19, 2012

Introducing Bentley

This past summer, I logged into one of my social networking accounts and there I saw this little face staring back at me.  

Look, look at that little face. 
How could I not want him?!? 
For a few months my son had been asking for a pet. 
I told him and his dad we would not get a dog until he was 10 years old. My son is three and a half.  

During the summer of 2012 we welcomed Bentley into our home.

I am by no means a, "Dog Person." By no means, yet one day Bentley landed in my purse and we went out for stroll. :)

Now Bentley has been with us for three months and a day and when I think to myself, "What on earth were you thinking?!!?" I just look at his little face, which is usually somewhere within grabbing distance of my feet. 

Bentley is a cool dog and for now an integral member of my family.

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Growing Pains...LOVE

My three year old fell this past weekend. 
He cut open his chin and needed 30 stitches.

I was not there when he fell.

The phone rang, I answered it and the information I received seemed quite surreal. Yes, Surreal is the right word. I can't speak for all mothers but I would daresay the majority of us never want to hear the words, "Fall, Cut, Hospital, Stitches, Bleeding: YOUR CHILD," strung together in the same sentence.

I didn't really know what to do but I did realize that panic and tears would not get me to hold and comfort my son.

When I got to the hospital I found my son and he was yelling that he wanted to go home.  He was holding a yellow towel to his chin and it had some, not much blood on it, I figured it was a small cut.  On the phone, His dad said he needed two or three stitches...

Once our son was registered we were admitted and moved into center stage, the only issue was that my son's cries were the only performance.  There was some stage hands prancing around but no stage manager to be found. I was holding him and he was crying. 

Someone asked us to sit at the first bed we could walk to, so we did.  Our son was still crying in pain. He drank a bit of water and then sobbed himself to sleep.

The attending doctor approached us but I really wasn't paying attention.

"Are you an intern?"

"No, I'm the attending physician. Should I call a plastic surgeon?"

I investigated the cut, it was deep, very deep. It made me cringe.

Did I mention, I wasn't there when it happened. I should have been there, that was my thought then I decided to pray.

I prayed to thank God for my son's well being. I prayed to thank the Lord for a minor cut that just needed 30 stitches. I prayed to the universe in gratitude for our strength and our love.

The movie on the flat screen up on the wall perpendicular to our bed was showing "Armageddon." The beds began filling up slowly, grown ups in wheel chairs, a child with a fractured arm, and we were just waiting for Dr. Plastic Surgeon. 

The doctor arrived shortly after the call to check on his eta. He was very professional and quite succinct in his requirements.

"You can't hold him, he has to lie flat."

"Yes, I will stitch him up right here."

"His head needs to be on this side, you hold his head and I need you to hold down his shoulders and his arms."

Our little boy woke up again and was crying, "No, momma! NO!!!"
"Please momma, NO!"

It broke my heart but I had to focus and be strong.

I sang to him, 

I have been singing him this song since he was in my belly.  It didn't calm him, but I pray it soothed him even if just a tiny bit. I was attempting to lessen the trauma, I hope it worked.

Dr. Plastic Surgeon took out a huge needle and shot the novacane right into the hole, he let out a scream, "MOMMA!!!! NO MOMMA!"  What could I do.

I kissed his hands and told him that it would be alright.

"It's alright baby, be strong."
"Momma is here and papa is here, we are here with you and you are a strong boy."

Chocolate Chip Stitched Up Cookies

At home his sisters were baking cookies with stitches and decorating the house with get well balloons.


Our baby was fast asleep when we got home. We stayed up talking for a bit and when it was time for bed I didn't sleep a wink. I spent the night staring at his peaceful face. I spent every moment making sure he was breathing and making sure he was comfortable and that nothing came in contact with the thirty stitches that were holding together that painfully deep gash.  I went back and forth with, "What if I would have been there with him, I would have prevented this fall..."

Today, two months later, Max hardly even remembers the fall or the pain he felt. I've not been able to completely let it go, it's a work in progress.  Still I could be sitting a foot away from him and he is running and jumping and falling. I can't stop it, I can't change the course of his falling or soaring, I can only be here and there for him.

Every day I'm learning and growing in this role of motherhood. It's not easy by any means, many days it is quite challenging and every moment is amazing.  E V E R Y    S I N G L E    M O M E N T.

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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,


Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Thanks to so many folks, I was able to participate in a weekend of CALM. 

A weekend full of so much LOVE, INTROSPECTION, and PERMISSION.

I am extremely aware of what it takes to create and I am so grateful for all the tools I have developed and been introduced to in order to bring to light my higher self.

It's such a blessing to see and be seen.

In my mind's eye I see complete Harmony. 
In my mind's eye I see Connection & Love.
In my mind's eye I see Diversity.
In my mind's eye I see Acceptance & Joy.
In my mind's eye there is Nothing & Everything.
My heart, soul and mind all live
happily, In MY MIND'S EYE.

If you have a moment to look within take it.
If you have the time to see, truly see someone, do it.

Very often I have discussions with folks about PERFECTION. It makes me smile how uncomfortable many of us are with PERFECTION. I believe in a Source, I believe in a Greater Being. We are all a part of this Source, in all ways we are this Source. The Source is PERFECTION and we are made in this image.  I am not better than anyone, not in any way and no one is better than me. We are all unique, just like everyone else.

I leave with two thoughts, BREATHE DEEP and when you have a chance, if you are interested check out the Road to Calm website.


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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,