Friday, December 13, 2013

The Truth Is...

There are so many thoughts and emotions enveloping my mind.  When I think and talk about Love and Loss I think about the ebb and flow of it. Loving and losing someone is a challenge for me.
I am going through all the stages of grief and thankfully I have a few tools and an amazing support network.

My grandfather dying...
i am finding it difficult to articulate with words what's transpiring within.
The grief cycle comes to mind and i am fluctuating in it. In and out. Out and in. 
This is the very first time in my life that I travel to Florida and it's not for a vacation or to just spend quality time with my old folks. 

My grandparents moved to Florida from New York about a decade ago. I've traveled to visit with them about 25 times and one of those years I didn't make it once. When my grandparents decided to move to Florida my heart broke into a million and one pieces, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, I really and truly didn't know what I would do. My grandparents have been my sustenance for most of my life.  I have almost always lived with them. I didn't know any different.  It was hard. I remember having a conversation with my ex mother in law where she told me that this happens to many families and they just loose touch little by little, not because they want to or fall out of love but because life and distance intervenes. I couldn't and wouldn't accept that as a fact. I refused to. There was no way in heaven I would allow "LIFE" to get in the way of "LOVE."

My relationship with my grandparents is a priority to me.  Siting here now and grieving the death of my grandfather I'm overcome with the reality that I've been more prudent in expressing and sharing my love with my grandparents than with my parents.  I admittedly take my parents for granted. Don't be confused I appreciate, love, respect and express my gratitude to my parents and to the Lord for their love and for everything they represent, do for and with me and my son but I take it for granted that they will forever be present and love me unconditionally and sometimes I don't even think to call them.  I don't visit with my folks as often as I would like. Other things take precedence over spending quality time with them; my grandparents on the other hand get my undivided attention and time.  I call my grandmom every day and make it a priority to visit with them as often as possible. I write them letters, I send them photos and recently we've been using social media streams to have video chats. (Ain't No Sunshine When They're Gone!)

I wrote this tiny tribute to my grandfather:
Viejo Mi Querido Viejo.
The title is in Spanish but the essay is in English. 
While writing I was reminding of several special moments we shared and several not so special moments, just everyday things that happened.  
I truly consider myself blessed for having been able to share and celebrate this life with my Abuelito and my Abuelita. I was able to enjoy him and our relationship for 40 plus years, I know how fortunate I am for this.

In reality the pain I am feeling at this very moment starts from within my core, the pain is for my grandmom's loss. I held her hand tonight as we sat on the couch watching a movie together and I could feel her deep, deep sadness.  We both sat quietly watching an action film with tears streaming down our face. I can't begin to imagine the pain she's feeling and the truth is I don't know that I would have the strength she has to stand up so fiercely and face a day without her soul mate, her life partner, her very best friend. How do you continue with a loss that's just so monumental?

I don't have any answers, all I can do is focus on the wonderful magic I experienced through their love. I can stand and gratitude and acknowledge my great fortune, cause I am Fausto & Julia Mieles's GRAND Daughter. The truth, the truth is that alone is an enormous blessing and shall carry through. 

Thank you for reading and Sharing.

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In possibility,
Julie Jewels

Thursday, December 12, 2013

12.12.13 DRAFT

I was scheduled to chaperone a school trip today, I was so excited to enjoy a Ballet with my 4 year old and his class. On Tuesday I received a call from the school to say there was a mix up with the tickets and no parents would be chaperoning, just school staff and I would be getting reimbursed for the ticket. They said they were very sorry, I said thank you and hung up.

This morning I dropped him off at school and had forgotten to pack his lunch. Usually when we go on trips we leave together and I take him home to eat or we pick something up on the way. I forgot to pack a lunch cause for some reason I thought I would still be going on the trip. When his teacher apologized for the ticket confusion it hit me, "His first solo school trip!" I thought, wow, I won't be there to enjoy the experience with him, to watch him smiling and frolicking with his peers. And no pictures...

My son lives in my heart, we are part of one another and that notion, that knowledge, that, it makes my soul dance.

He had a wonderful time on the trip. He told me a little bit about (HE SHARED!!!HE SHARED!!!)it and I now have a not so little boy.

Thank you for reading and Sharing.

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In possibility,
Julie Jewels

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Patience and Gratitude

I am participating in the Deepak and Oprah MEDITATION CHALLENGE.  I am not on schedule with the meditation postings, I'm on my own's MEDITATION was highlighting gratitude. I'm so grateful for the NOW in my life. My life, right NOW is amazing. I am currently waiting at the airport for a flight back home. I am with my four year old and we've been here since 2:05 pm, it is currently 7:43 pm. I am so proud of his patience, I'm grateful for his focus. We will be getting on flight 302 which leaves here  at 7:55. We've been bypassed thrice already. This flight looks promising. We didn't get home till the evening time and the whole while waiting, my little one was a true pleasure. I'm grateful for the gifts of patience, awareness, love and compassion.

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Thank you for reading and sharing.


In Possibility,
Julie Jewels


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Nothing. I did nothing.

Every time I pick up my son from school I ask, "Did you have a good day? How was school today? What did you do? Did you learn something new and  fun?"  (It seems like a barrage of questions, I know, but it's purely conversational.)

I think I might be asking the wrong questions as his response is usually always, "Nothing. I didn't do a thing."
I say, "So you didn't play or draw or even have snacks. Okay." He says, "Well, I did have a snack and took a nap." In my head I'm thinking, we don't pay for you to nap and snack and then I think, wait, my middle schooler did the same, minus the napping. Come to think of it my 16 year old niece does the same and she has shared how she wishes she could nap. So I wonder if it's just a general consensus for students to not care to share or even just remember all of the activities they participate in while they are in school. Of course I felt like this was exclusive to just us and then this past week I attended a school meeting where the teacher would be explaining the "Common Core Standards" for our pre-schoolers.

Once the teacher explained the standards, the goals at the school and had a little "Core Standards" Q&A, she opened the floor to general questions.  To my surprise other parents were sharing the concern that their children say they do nothing or all they do is play all day.  Now, if my son was playing all day with the other children I would be fine, as he is 4 and a half in a household where the person closest in age to him is his 23 year old sister.  Play with children his age is exactly what I am interested in for him.  Peer interaction and socialization is pertinent to the healthy development of all human beings, I feel. For the past couple of years we've been home together. I take him out to explore the world and we go on diverse adventures most days it was just us.  The transition to all day school has been a bit challenging for both of us.  We miss each other and last month he would cry when he was at school cause he missed being home with mom.  Pre-school came at the right time for us.

Yesterday when I picked him up from school I asked, "How was your day?" He responded, "It was great!"
I asked, "So would you like to share your rose and thorn?" He said, "School all day was my rose." My response was, "That is awesome, what fun stuff did you do?"  Now, here I think we are making progress, I'm so excited I can't even contain my smile, which he really can't see cause I am driving and he is in the back seat..."Nothing, I didn't really do a thing, mom."

I quickly turn my head to look at his face, he is smiling from ear to ear and there is a twinkle in his eye.  If doing nothing makes him this joyful, he should continue to do nothing every day!

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Saturday, August 10, 2013


I wrote a post called Women, last year. I checked it out this week and it has truly helped me to focus on folks who inspire my soul and not the things that can have the power to bring me down, if I so choose.  See I am a believer that What I focus on Expands.  These past couple of weeks have been riddled with extreme transitions for me.  I am truly being forced to learn to Expect the Unexpected.  

I started to check out a few photos and this is what has happened.

I have been sitting with many of the blessings I have had and don't always recognize...I have been sharing my love for certain individuals and my gratitude for who they are and what they represent in my life and in my heart.

I recommend it!

It's brought me such joy to sit and think and share about these amazing individuals.

I will share an example:

My friend Carla.
I met my dear sister friend during the spring when I celebrated my 25th birthday. 
We were introduced by a former friend, Cindy. Cindy and I met at work when I was a legal assistant in Forest Hills. Cindy was my ride or die chick back in the mid '90's. 
Well, I was blessed to meet Carla and we instantaneously hit it off. If you know me, you know it takes me a moment or two to warm up to folks. You know I use to have the tendency to judge and me suspicious of anyone new in my circle. It wasn't like this with Carla. I met Carla and immediately felt connected. She gave me the coolest birthday present and card that year and she came to two of the celebrations for that "momentous occasion" ;) . Since that time my sister circle has extended to include my CARLA CONNECTION CREW which I absolutely adore, love, enjoy, miss and appreciate.

Just a note to say Thank you Carla, for being your amazing self. For being my friend and for sharing your friends and family with me. You are a Godsend and I love you!

Sharing is caring is one of my mottos.
I'm thinking if you want to have an awesome love filled experience take out a piece of paper and a writing implement, close your eyes for a moment and envision someone special in your life.  Think of someone who lives in your heart and then write down what makes them special and how you are connected. This practice alone is full of love, peace and joy. If you want to multiply the love, peace and joy then share the thought with that person.  Put it in an envelope, address it, put a stamp on it and mail a little love.

Sharing is caring.

Thank you for reading and sharing.


In Possibility,
Julie Jewels

Monday, August 5, 2013


Aug 1, 2013

Dear Mr. President Barak Obama, 

My name is Adriana Gabriela Gavilanes, and I am 13 years old. My family and I have been through a lot these past couple of days! My half brother just passed away inthe Hialeah shooting. Everyone has been very supportive and helpful and I'm very grateful for that, but still that doesn't mean weare going to get him back. Now the reason why I'm writing this letter is because I need you to do whatever you can to make sure that our generation has none of these problems. The pain that my family is going through nobody should ever go through. I need you to do everything that you can to advocate gun control and stop gun violence. Now, I'm not saying to eliminate guns but please do something whether that means to make a tax or make laws. There are so many examples of gun violence; Connecticut Shooting (Sandy Hook Elementary), Aurora Shooting, Hialeah Shooting, Tucson Shooting, etc. Sadly these are very common in News Papers and New Channels these days. Everyone thinks that if everybody has a gun then everyone is protected, but that isn't the way everyone should think. Instead tHey should think that if nobody has a gun no one needs a gun to defend themselves. I know that you're an advocate for gun control, so I decided that I was going to write this letter to tell you that our new and up coming generation, do care! You need to know thatyou're not only doing this to help your country now, but also you're helping your country for the future. I know that you've tried passing a gun law and the Senate has turned you down, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get them on our side. If i need to go to Washington DC and personally talk to each and every member in the US Senate then that is what I will do, and I realize it may not mean anything to them, but it means everything to me. It would make my family and I feel better knowing that my brother died for a reason. My parents taught me that everything happens for a reason and I believe that this was, Carlos, reason. He loved us so much and he had an influence on everyone that he met! He always lit up the room. If every family felt this way about there lost loved ones we should do something about this problem. I can't explain how much everyone misses him and it doesn't feel real, it feels like a movie. I feel as if we can just go to his house and see him again, but we can't. A lot of people came to America for the Americandream, but what all these families are living today is the American Nightmare. 

From, Adriana Gabriela Gavilanes

From the hearts of babes.

I'm not asking what your thoughts are on Gun Control, having a gun, using a gun, or anything having to do with a gun. I am asking you to FEEL for a moment the authentic and unbelievably painful hurt of loosing someone to violence.

The answer is my friends is LOVE. Not pollyanna, let's hug and dance around love, but true, powerful and action oriented LOVE.

My little cousin Adriana is ready to go to Washington and speak to the people in charge. She's ready and full of love to do it.

What are you ready to do?

In Possibility.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

The Expected and The Unexpected

Yesterday morning my sister called me to tell me our cousin had passed away.  The night before we had all been at the hospital and when I saw him I feared the worst. Well, not the worst, I feared his passing. The first weekend in July I had gone to see him and I thought he would be out soon. I thought they would run some tests, find out what was wrong and then give him the remedy to fix it.  That was twenty days ago.  Today my cousin is no longer with us in the physical world. My cousin is with all of us in spirit. He lives in our hearts.  

Today I get a call from my mother to share with me that my other cousin was killed last night.

Today, my heart can't take it.
None of it makes sense.

Truth be told I only spent time with these two guys when we were celebrating an event. In recent years we only saw each other to share in good times.  Both of these men were family men. My cousin Julio was my cousin Karlla's right hand, he was an uncle, a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a friend.  Karlla and Julio, they did everything together, always. My cousin Carlos is a father, a husband, a son, a cousin, an uncle, a friend.

My heart aches for the people in their lives, my family, who will not be graced with their presence in the day to day.

My cousin has to bury his son. I don't think there is greater sadness than having to bury your child.

My articulation skills are impaired today but I felt the need to share their passing.

Both Carlos and Julio were always the life of the occasion. They always had a smile to share, a hug to give, a good word impart.  They were always fun. There was never an occasion that I saw either of them where I didn't laugh so hard that I cackled. They were jokesters. They brought so much joy to everyone who they encountered.  Always young and spirited at heart.  They also both always told it like they perceived it. They were true to the core.

Both of you will be missed so much, by so many.

Thank you for all the joy and laughter you brought to this world with your light spirits.

Your spirits will forever shine in this world.

In love and light.
Julie Jewels

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Wrong Doing

I did something wrong today.  
It wasn't a physical act, it was a verbal one.
Words can pierce deeply; more than WHAT I say it's HOW I say it.

Today, I reacted badly and immediately wished I would have taken a deep breathe or three before reacting.

I am sorry.  I apologized already and I acknowledge it was completely inappropriate and even abusive and I am clear that Love is not abuse!   

I hurt someone I love and in turn I've hurt myself and the beautiful relationship we have had.  It was a thoughtless and irresponsible reaction due to that moment, the environment and a few other factors yet it was wrong.  
I acknowledge my wrong doing.

This isn't the first time I forget about My Favorite of the Four Agreements and it might not be the last.  What happened in this situation will NEVER happen again, this I KNOW for SURE!

The person I hurt is someone I truly LOVE, I don't only Love them, I like them. Thankfully the relationship has a strong, healthy and deep foundation. I pray for the Grace of God, they can truly forgive me as I am truly sorry.

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Saturday, July 6, 2013

It's so easy, anyone can do it!

In many places in NY there are visible, yet subliminal signs.

Signs that creep into your psyche.

I have seen and read so many signs over the years.
This sign here is one that disturbs my center.
No, not the military recruitment, although I have lots to say about that, this post is about SIMPLE DIVORCE.  If your divorce is uncontested you can pay a low rate of $399, that's it, that's all $399 American Dollars. You can get it done in two shakes of a lambs tail. It's really that easy.

If the wedded bliss is over just go get a quickie divorce.  I'm not making a judgement on folks who get divorced. Truth be told I took advantage of this Easy Peasy deal at one point in my life.  Divorce wasn't the answer for us, we went the Annulment route. Once you have your marriage annulled, it's as if it NEVER EVER happened. It's that simple, right?

Sometimes it's the healthiest option and sometimes it's the only option.  They say hindsight is 20/20 and I must tell you I still am not sure I would not have married my ex had I known things would have worked out the way they did.  I don't have the answers as to why it happened or why it didn't last but I do know now it was part of my journey and I am who I am today in part, because of it.

I was the first of all of my siblings to ever get divorced.  My eldest sister is over 50 years old and is still happily married to her tween years crush.  Most of the couples in my inner circle have been together their entire lives.  When it was Annulment time for me, I felt like a failure.  I feared the loss of the relationship would cast a shadow on the person I was. I felt inadequate. I was full of fear and even some self loathing.  Thankfully, I started the healing process immediately.

I'm comforted in having the awareness that I didn't grow up in a space where Divorce was that simple.  Folks I encountered were committed and that was all.  It was happening outside of my space and I was familiar with it and as I got older I learned more and more about it.  My situation was less complicated than many, we didn't have children. Our annulment was simple because we apparently never consummated the marriage.  I became a statistic in terms of Easy Endings.

As of late, I have been seeing the EASY DIVORCE signs in the five boroughs but mostly in locations heavily frequented by a majority of people of color.  Let's not perpetuate it. It shouldn't be that simple.  Love is love and with love comes responsibility.  Don't get married thinking it's easy to end the marriage. Think long and hard and have the difficult conversations that comes with moving forward with a partner.

So many folks have battled for the right to be married and here are folks who have this right readily available just squandering it and not respecting the sanctity of marriage.  If you aren't certain don't do it.

A few weeks ago after my morning meditation I was struck with the following thought:

There's never a reason to betray someone. There is no justification for it. If you did it, explore why you did and leave the person you betrayed alone. Apologizing by explaining the acts of being deceitful is neither integrous, nor kind, it's just a way too hook someone into your guilt. It doesn't make the other person feel good, it takes the complete burden off of you and now the victim of this disrespect is feeling hurt. No winners anywhere. Think about your actions, and thoughts even, before engaging in them. Follow the four agreements and the Sufi's not about right and wrong, it's about LOVE! It is always about LOVE!

This applies to the circumstances of many divorces, not all but many. Many of us sometimes do before thinking.  There is no thought of the consequences of our actions and many times people get hurt.  If you are married respect the boundaries created by you and your partner. Ignore those subliminal messages about how easy it is to end it and focus on the beauty of creating and building harmonious and long lasting relationships.  If you have a chance to post an ad somewhere be HUMANLY RESPONSIBLE, think LOVE!

I am Julie Jewels and I approve this message.

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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Jewel? JeWeLs...

My given name is Julie. Just Julie, it's not short for Juliette or for Juliana. It's just Julie.
Many friends call me Jewels.
I like the nickname. It suits me well.

I don't, however; ever introduce myself as Jewels or Jewel, for that matter.  You won't hear me say, "Hello, I'm Jewels."

My best friend of over 30 years has always called me Jewels, she even calls me Juliana, as well as, Dude.

Last week my four year old called me DUDE. I replied, "Honey, you can call me Mom, Mommy, Mother, Madre, Mami or Julie but never Dude." It didn't occur to me to say Jewels, it never does.

My blogs are titled Jewels Organically and Jewels, The Brainstorm. In several of my social networking
platforms I use the name Jewels. I've used the name Jewels in email addresses for the past two decades.
I am a fan of Jewels but when folks introduce me as Jewels I usually am looking around for her. Because of my email addresses and my labels in certain sites many folks call me Jewels. I must say when I get correspondence addressed to Jules, I wonder if they realize Jules is the male form.  I just shake my head and  sometimes snicker.

Slowly Jewels is becoming my true moniker.

My mom, my dad, my grandparents and my life partner, they are just a few of the folks who have never called me Jewels and I find it unlikely they ever will.

What's in a name?

What is your nickname? Who gave it to you? Do you like it?

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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Loss of Innocence


When do we loose it? Where does it go?

The following conversation took place on one of my social 

 networking platforms in response to the  photograph of my 

little SUPER IRON CAPTAIN MAN, herewith.

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Party #1: The ultimate Avenger!

My Response: Happy face emoticon.

Party #2:   Except superman wasn't an avenger or in marvel comics...still cute can't tell kids no when they want to wear something.

My Response:  I love this mash up, it's the best. The imagination is an amazing gift to have...Funny thing is many adults were like, what the...confused...blah, blah, blah and blah blah made me laugh cause adults can be so limited and immature in their thinking. More of the folks enjoyed his little mash up and asked to take pictures. It was a fun day. 

***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  

This past weekend we attended the first ever Long Island Pop Culture Expo, Eternal Con. It was awesome. I had a great time. My kids had an even more awesome time. My 11 year old marveled (see what I did there) at the coolness and oddity of it all.

It was, personally, my first Cosplay experience.  My niece attends these types of expos on a regular basis and has taught me what they are about and has explained what could be expected.  I understand the premise and have seen photos of folks dressed up in full Superhero gear or Comic Personality gear or in some sort of anime attire.  It's pretty intense and lots of fun.  

I have a four year old son who is enamored by the world of Superheroes and engaged completely in his imagination.  Every day he will put on a costume or another.  One moment he is dressed up as Iron Man, the next moment he will grab a Knight's shield and be Iron Knight.  I've seen him cut up and tape together an outfit from construction paper alone. He loves getting into character and enjoying the moment.

Halloween isn't the only time it's okay for my son to dress up in costume, he dresses up as often as can,as often as he thinks of it and we celebrate and support his creativity.  

It was funny to me when I heard folks talk about the confused costume he wore. It was awesome to see others smile and enjoy the moment.  Seriously, when it comes down to it, isn't that the most important thing besides love, to ENJOY THE MOMENT. Be present and don't judge.  The comment where party #2 explains where each character originates is educational but really it isn't pertinent to the fun a four year old, his 11 year old sister and his cool mom are having.

We had a great time and next year I might just dress up too.  I am thinking I will maybe be, "Super-Cat-Wonder-Pageant-Winner-Woman, Super Iron Captain Man's Mom."

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Friday, June 14, 2013

Look It's Tito Puente!?!?!

For my 25th birthday celebration I had a small group of about 135 folks come join me at the CopaCabana on 57th Street. My dear friend, MioSoty was scheduled to perform along with Jerry Rivera and I am not sure who else. We had a huge guest list, sadly many folks didn't get in because with or without a guest list you were not going in if you were not at least 21 years old (That was one of the things I LOVED about the Copa, they had, not only a strict age requirement, they had a strict dress code as well). The entire experience was a riot.

I had friends from work, friends from college, friends from high school even. It was pretty cool. Everyone was scattered all around having a wonderful time.  They had the latin dance floor, which housed the main stage for performances and the upscale VIP section and also they had the variety room where they played reggea, hip hop, freestyle and everything else. It was a memorable party.

I had a small group sitting in the VIP section which included my mom, dad, and my Grandfather, to name a few. 

Yep, EVEN my grandfather came out to party with me on my 25th birthday.  This guy has been one of my greatest emotional cheerleaders. My whole life.  He's a rockstar himself.  One thing that always stands out when I remember that awesome celebration at the Copa was everyone wanting to know why I was in the VIP and why I was dancing with and spending so much time with Tito Puente. I can see where folks thought that but it just made me laugh. Still to this day when I think of it I look like the Chesire Cat.

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Thursday, May 23, 2013

Can you see me?

I am of the school of thought that everyone just wants to be seen, heard, and loved.  This isn't an absolute truth but goodness it really could be.  I can't speak for everyone but I can speak for me and the reality is many times I just want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to be acknowledged.  (It may show up as just wanting attention but it's a little bit more than that).

I do my best to always acknowledge others, it's so rewarding for me when I can SEE you, when I can HEAR you, and most definitely when I can LOVE you!  I'm so utterly grateful for the times I have exchanged being seen and being heard.

During the final Oprah Winfrey Show she shared her thoughts on this:

Oprah Talks about Validation I agree with her wholeheartedly. I even get a bit emotional when I see this particular clip.

What are your thoughts?

How about sharing?

I shared a very personal experience yesterday on my blog and it has begun an entire new layer of growth and healing. I've noticed the more personal and the challenging the greater the audience. Why is that?

I see you.

I respect you.
I send you love and light.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

LOVE is NOT abuse...

I was searching for Ted Talks on LOVE and I came upon this talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner:  Why domestic violence victims don't leave: Crazy Love.
The talk was a very emotional one for me to watch, see I was victim and it still hurts to think about it. 

When I got divorced I immediately sought healing by meeting with a therapist on a weekly basis.  The therapy process has been instrumental to my growth and well being.  Last year I shared Love. Loss. Gratitude. an entry about Vulnerability, Community, and Miscarriages. 
Part of my share was realizing how incredibly fascinating us humans are, I said, "I've realized in the past few months that my subconscious has taken it upon itself to protect me in all ways possible.

Now I must clarify, my ex-husband was in no way physically abusive to me, ever!  
Our relationship was mostly mutually respectful up until the last year but that's another post.  

Let me go back for a moment. I have friend who is an artist, he writes songs, plays the guitar and sings. When I was a teenager I read one of the songs he wrote, it truly resonated with me.  The name of the song is, "Crazy Love!"  Could you believe it? 

Crazy Love 
by Lawrence Block

Shortness of breath, heart beating fast
My body's so tense, how long will it last?
Voices are low, but the message is clear
If I close my eyes tight, maybe I'll disappear

Find a shadow, a dark deep shadow
To hide -- Crazy Love
And keep a secret to a soft soft whisper 
To guide -- Crazy Love

And don't give much when it's time for the giving
Collect --Crazy Love
And push away, cause you know it's ok
When you make Crazy Love

Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

Mixed emotions concoct just the potion
To taste -- Crazy Love
Hate and fear is the spice to keep near
When you chase -- Crazy Love

And emptiness fulfills all your needs
When you find Crazy Love
And you just can't let go, cause there's nothing 
To show -- for that lazy, Crazy Love


Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

Crazy Love, Crazy Love
Love and Crazy they don't mix
It's addictive, it's a fix

Crazy Love, Crazy Love
You can take it for a ride
Destination, hurt inside

Well it happened like this
There isn't much I can say
I was chilling, that's cool
And she was coming my way

First she wanted ah ha
Then she wanted affection
It was fly... wha'd you say?
I say we made a connection

But it's down now...why's that?
Cause we left it behind
What's that girl doing now?
She won't get out of my mind


Oh...he's got to know
I can't live with that man
Yet I can't let him go

Why...haven't I learned
When the flame gets too hot
You're just bound to get burned

I...Should have known from the start 
When you're Crazy in Love
You get broken in heart

Crazy love, you'll pay the price
Hot as a fire, you'll burn with desire
And cold, when your heart turns to ice

The song still holds a special place in my heart but it's different for me now cause it highlights to me how I've grown, how I have healed and how now I just am and have REAL TRUE LOVE.  

In my late teenage years I read that song and it made me think of the relationship I was in. I knew the entire time that it was crazy.  When I first became involved with this individual I had no idea the rollercoaster I was embarking on.  Leslie Morgan Steiner was a grown women when she embarked on her rollercoaster and also didn't see it coming.

This man was not my first love. My first love was quite innocent and quite pure. My first love never abused me or disrespected me or us.  I didn't even have to stand up and not allow it, it just never happened. It never occurred to him.  

Today I will say I was blindly in love with this individual.  I endured lots of physical, psychological and verbal abuse but for some reason I thought that because I was strong I could take it.  Forest Gump would say, "Stupid is as Stupid Does." I was stupid is what I thought to myself for so long. I didn't understand I had low self esteem. I was not aware of the fact that I didn't believe in my self importance.  I was afraid.  I still don't know why I was so full of fear and self loathing. This man would say he couldn't trust me, he'd say I was being unfaithful but for me the sun and the moon rose in his arms.  I was enthralled by his maturity and hooked by our chemistry.  I could think of an anthology of songs that could serve as theme music to all the years we were together.  

Gloria Trevi was known as the Latin Madonna and most of her songs embodied the essence of our relationship.  If you are familiar with her music from the early '90's then you may have a good polaroid of what our relationship was like.

At 18 I thought I was grown and was very defiant when my family tried to stop me from being involved with this person.  My friends threatened to defriend me and not by taking me off their internet social networking sites but by actually not speaking with me.  They knew, they were privy to all the abuse and they didn't understand why I stayed.  I wasn't afraid to leave him I was afraid to not be with him.  I was in love. What I know NOW is LOVE is kind. Love is nurturing. Love is NOT abuse.

I wish I could tell you that once I was out of my teen years I stopped seeing him but that would be a lie.  There was a moment in time when I woke up in a hospital, I was bruised and battered.  The NYPD drove me home from the hospital one morning and as we pulled up to my home I managed to catch a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror.  I cried. I cried so hard. I could not believe my eyes, I did not recognize myself.  I thought I looked like Hedda Nussbaum.  I was scared my family would see me and would go ballistic. I was afraid of what was to come.  

I went to see a Victim's Services Counselor for a session or two and the very first time I walked into the office I saw a poster with a casket and a beautiful flower arrangement on it. The caption read: He beat her 63 times but only sent her flowers once.  I still get chills when I think of it.  You'd think that would have scared me straight but the first thing I told the counselor was, "I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, we fight, he hits me sometimes and I hit him back to defend myself but he's never done anything like this. He loves me, why would he do this, I have to know what I did.  What did I do to upset him so badly?!?" Her response was something along the lines of that being the exact response of a battered woman.  She arranged for us to come to counselling together but we didn't.  I just wanted to put the horrible event to rest and go ahead with my life, with or without him but I just wanted to move on.  I had hoped with but didn't know what he was thinking.  The District Attorney saw to it: The People Vs. Julie's Abuser. We went to court a few times and he berated me. He called me names and all sorts of heinous things. I didn't care, I just wanted him to not be mad. I wanted him to come say he was sorry so we could move on. He didn't. Months passed and I called him crying. (It hurts my soul to think of this time.  I have worked on healing that lost little lady who had no self respect and gave her power away.)

One day he answered my call and we saw one another. We moved past it, it's what I believed, I was happy again, everything was right in the world. A few weeks later we had an argument and I began to tremble, I screamed as I braced myself, I said, go ahead, hit me. His response was I'd sooner hug you than ever hit you again.  I cried and we hugged. I thanked God, the abuse was over! But no he began to play all sorts of mind games. I will spare you all the details and spare myself that walk down memory lane as I have moved so passed that time that I don't care to drudge that up again.  

He never respected me but that doesn't matter because I didn't respect myself.  I didn't know what I was worth.  I lost myself in the Crazy Love. What I thought was Love.  I wish I knew of Maya Angelou's teachings back then, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  I don't blame him for taking advantage of me. I forgave him, that's the reason I could share my story now.  I forgave him cause I know now, it had nothing to do with me.  I forgave him cause I couldn't hold on to the pain, the deceit, the hurt, the humiliation.  

When I realized I was a child of God and I deserved love, I let go and let God.
I was blessed to be able to move into that  space of healing.  I was fortunate to wake up however many years later.  I don't know that I would change that part of my life, I'd like to think if I knew better I would do it differently.  I would trust me more. I would love me first.  I think. I can't tell you for sure.  Hindsight is 20/20 but you would have had to have had the experience to be privy to the hindsight.

This year I watched an award show and saw that Rhiana was again dating Chris Brown. I could not watch, it hurt my heart. Their conflict was quite public. I don't doubt they think what they are experiencing is love, it may be the only way they know how to love, I don't know, I can't very well say.  What I do KNOW FOR SURE is Love is kind. Love is strong. Love is patient.

Love doesn't hurt.  
Love does not hurt. 
You may feel pain from loosing a loved one, not the same as Crazy Love that hurts.

Breaking up to make up, that's not healthy.

We all have to live our own story, this is true but please make sure to have compassion for yourself and respect yourself and the person you love.

Therapy is a wonderful thing.  There are many programs that can help.

If you love someone and are being abused or are abusing them please seek help.


Breathe, LOve.
Breathe LOVE.
Love, Breathe.

Take it from me, Love is amazing. 

Love is the MAX!

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Thank you for reading and sharing.