Friday, December 13, 2013

The Truth Is...

There are so many thoughts and emotions enveloping my mind.  When I think and talk about Love and Loss I think about the ebb and flow of it. Loving and losing someone is a challenge for me.
I am going through all the stages of grief and thankfully I have a few tools and an amazing support network.

My grandfather dying...
i am finding it difficult to articulate with words what's transpiring within.
The grief cycle comes to mind and i am fluctuating in it. In and out. Out and in. 
This is the very first time in my life that I travel to Florida and it's not for a vacation or to just spend quality time with my old folks. 

My grandparents moved to Florida from New York about a decade ago. I've traveled to visit with them about 25 times and one of those years I didn't make it once. When my grandparents decided to move to Florida my heart broke into a million and one pieces, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, I really and truly didn't know what I would do. My grandparents have been my sustenance for most of my life.  I have almost always lived with them. I didn't know any different.  It was hard. I remember having a conversation with my ex mother in law where she told me that this happens to many families and they just loose touch little by little, not because they want to or fall out of love but because life and distance intervenes. I couldn't and wouldn't accept that as a fact. I refused to. There was no way in heaven I would allow "LIFE" to get in the way of "LOVE."

My relationship with my grandparents is a priority to me.  Siting here now and grieving the death of my grandfather I'm overcome with the reality that I've been more prudent in expressing and sharing my love with my grandparents than with my parents.  I admittedly take my parents for granted. Don't be confused I appreciate, love, respect and express my gratitude to my parents and to the Lord for their love and for everything they represent, do for and with me and my son but I take it for granted that they will forever be present and love me unconditionally and sometimes I don't even think to call them.  I don't visit with my folks as often as I would like. Other things take precedence over spending quality time with them; my grandparents on the other hand get my undivided attention and time.  I call my grandmom every day and make it a priority to visit with them as often as possible. I write them letters, I send them photos and recently we've been using social media streams to have video chats. (Ain't No Sunshine When They're Gone!)

I wrote this tiny tribute to my grandfather:
Viejo Mi Querido Viejo.
The title is in Spanish but the essay is in English. 
While writing I was reminding of several special moments we shared and several not so special moments, just everyday things that happened.  
I truly consider myself blessed for having been able to share and celebrate this life with my Abuelito and my Abuelita. I was able to enjoy him and our relationship for 40 plus years, I know how fortunate I am for this.

In reality the pain I am feeling at this very moment starts from within my core, the pain is for my grandmom's loss. I held her hand tonight as we sat on the couch watching a movie together and I could feel her deep, deep sadness.  We both sat quietly watching an action film with tears streaming down our face. I can't begin to imagine the pain she's feeling and the truth is I don't know that I would have the strength she has to stand up so fiercely and face a day without her soul mate, her life partner, her very best friend. How do you continue with a loss that's just so monumental?

I don't have any answers, all I can do is focus on the wonderful magic I experienced through their love. I can stand and gratitude and acknowledge my great fortune, cause I am Fausto & Julia Mieles's GRAND Daughter. The truth, the truth is that alone is an enormous blessing and shall carry through. 

Thank you for reading and Sharing.

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In possibility,
Julie Jewels

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