I did it. I dropped him off and I can't stop crying.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW he is fine. I KNOW this is the process. I KNOW everything is as it should be and still I have a longing and melancholy happening...
We both went to drop him off. We even stayed with him for a while in the play yard.
The kids were coming over and asking if he wanted to play with them.
His father left.
He said, "Mom, you can't leave too. You have to stay with me."
I said, "Honey, I'm only staying for a little while but I have to go soon. Remember, Grown Ups Come Back."
He said, "No, no mom, you don't grown ups don't come back."
My response, "Remember this weekend when you went early in the morning with Thee Thee Karina and you went to Evan's Basketball game, you went to the mall, you talked to Aaron, Remember how much fun you had and then in the evening I came back to get you. You live in my heart, you know that, I am always coming back!"
He just shook his head, looked up at me and said, "Mommy, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, PLEASE don't go. I don't want to stay here without you, pretty pleeeeeease with sugar on top, mommy..."
Then his teacher walked out into the play yard and asked me to come inside with her. I told him I'd be right back he was not happy about that and he stood by the door the entire time waiting for me to come back.
While he was sitting with his dad in the play area there were several kids coming to ask him to play and he politely said no. Mason and Geovanni and I forget the names of the rest of the children. I came back and the teacher said, "Max your mommy is leaving in two minutes." I started to get very anxious and had to coach my own self to take deep breathes.
"Max honey, I have to go."
"It's okay Max. You are fine and I will pick you up later. Whatever you need you can ask the teacher. She will help you."
"Give me kiss, Mommy loves you. I love you very much!"
I hugged him, he dismissively kissed me and the teacher took his hand.
I stepped away with tears in my eyes and a small smile on my face as all the children came over to meet the "new boy, Max."
By the time I left the area there were 16 kids running around. Three adults and one of them was the teacher who was making the introductions.
I walked to my car with a heavy heart. I know he will flourish in this environment, I know and he is my little baby. I've been fortunate enough to never have had the need to leave him with a stranger.
I called my best friend, she has two boys, one 17 and the other 8. She totally got what I was feeling and talked me off the ledge. Okay, so I wasn't on a ledge but I was feeling so so sad.
I left my baby.
I felt guilty.
I felt excitement.
But most of all I felt fear.
The fear, the trepidation of the unknown for him and for me.
** I dropped him off an hour and a half ago and I just called the school to check up on him.
"Hi, this is Maximillian's mom, I'm just calling to check up on him, see how he is doing (SOB.Sob.Sob)"
"HI! He's perfect! He's totally fine. WE just finished some art and now I'm about to give them so work to do. He is totally fine."
"Okay, thanks so much. See you later."
So you see Max is fine, having fun and I'm sitting at my laptop crying like a baby.
It's like I'm not there to help him if he falls but we all know from Growing Pains...Love that I don't have to physically be there if he falls. I am with him all the time and he is with me in my heart.
I think my sadness comes from thinking that I'm the only person who knows how to keep him safe. We live in a world that is so full of so much that you just never know what's going to happen. You just never know. I don't know and this little precious spirit, my little boy, he just means so much to me that I feel the need to protect him. I feel the need to be there for him always.
I just pray that I am doing the right job as a parent. I pray that my coaching, my guidance and my love will help him to be a strong, confident, empathetic, loving, kind, intelligent, resilient, courageous, creative, healthy and fun individual. A man who is full of integrity, joy, peace and harmony. A strong beautiful human being.
I'm off to find a Painter's Smock for Mr. Max for the new adventures he will create.
I need to take deep breathes, wash my face and be ready for that enormous tight hug I will get in a few hours.
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Respectfully & Sincerely yours,